- Moving Forward
- January 14th, 2015
I haven't openly written a deep thought in well over a year. I haven't written about my wellbeing in nearly two years. I tried to do routine entries (privately) back in 2012, but I really didn't keep up with them very well, nor were they really the entire picture of my life's happenings. Partly I've wanted to stop posting on LiveJournal and start my own thing, which I haven't done. Additionally, I've not felt people listened anymore, or if they listen they are distant and down a road much different than my own, so I feel alone. But I know I'm not alone. I recognize my being on my own in many parts of my life, but I've been slowly learning to rely on Christ for strength and to put aside the idea that being on this path is a problem. But I guess if I were convinced of my direction, then I'd have nobody to stop me but Christ.
I think this lifts up a great concern in me. And I'm listening to some Celtic ambiance music, which makes this feel a bit 'Lord of the Rings'-level concerning; well, more mystical at the least.
I've taken a step into the past, thanks, in part, to my friend Ashley, who pointed out that I have over a decade of history in this blog, and that I was a very different person in my college entries. So I peered back on that past me, and I realized that I don't recognize the old me. I don't even recognize my own writings. How could I have posted some of those entries so publicly and had such distorted views on matters? What person(s) was I complaining about? I don't even remember my qualms of that day. I only remember the big moments and the good people of that day.
But despite what I've gained in understanding and direction, in faith and in spirit, I think I lost something. In some degree, its loss is not all bad because the cynical in me is dying a good deserving death. But I think I've lost passion in the process. A thought here, an observation there, a tip over there, and a dream when I care to make note; that seems to be all that I've produced in writing for the last couple years. I may dream, but I need to dream again. I need to start writing down my hopes again.
I'm not going to keep daily entries like I attempted before. The day to day is often boring, and I'd end up writing hundreds of entires that sound all much the same. Instead, I'm going to write my hopes and my thoughts. Not all of these things will be public for all the world to read. If I left every thought exposed then I'd be a fool, but not doing anything has left me feeling like a blank page. It's quite paradoxical. You'd think that the lack of composition would leave much in mind to write, but it's really left me quite at a loss to know what I've been thinking all this time.
Rather than trust myself to sit down by chance and write out my thoughts all the time, I'm going to set a reminder due each week to write something. Fridays or Saturdays might work given my consistent work schedule, so I'll start there. If I sit down another time during the week (like today), then it will be fulfilled, or perhaps I'll have more to write than what's borne in a day, but at least once a week will suffice as a baseline.
There is very much I should fill in on many subjects, but it grows late and I do need to remain responsible.
I can't guarantee you will see every bit of my writing. Some of it will be public, some only for my friends here on LiveJournal, and some I'd only write to myself privately to draw out my thoughts. Some thoughts I may not let you see because they concern my relationship with you; Don't be alarmed that I have thoughts I hide from you. I'm not here to tell you how to live your own life or to stop you from making your own mistakes. I'm not wise, but I've gained wisdom through my mistakes and my thoughts. If I were to catch all your mistakes for you, what benefit would you have from Christ? And when will you learn things for yourself if I tell you everything you should do?
Sometimes, but not always, others may read some of my thoughts on you, and I trust that by reading these thoughts of mine that I have a confidence with them not to backhand me in what I say. I only share thoughts on people when I'm seeking advice on matters. I trust you'll be understanding and mature, not butting into matters on my own behalf, but being honest and caring in sharing your advice with me so I can make my own decisions.
So, next time I hope to write out a state-of-Steve address to some degree, and I hope to keep a bit more consistent so I will in turn live with intention.